Marissa's Choice

When He's so amazing , He loves you more than you love yourself.
That the nature of His love nurtures all that was put to sleep by worldly scars.

When His hand is heavy up on you and He moves you across the board of this world like the Queen in chess. When your enemy temporarily makes you feel inadequate- He shows you, He can move you anywhere He deems. He's above all . He is all.

He's my life. The love of everything that keeps you alive.

When this world has executed you more than once.
When the people of this world who breaks the innocence in you, who breaks the joy in you, the inability to properly love.
With God, I become kintsugi.
His love, worth more than gold,makes the millions of pieces of me whole.
When you lose a dream and dont realize it until the last minute at 25, where you feel there cant possibly be more. you cant possibly do anything great past here.

Then in a dream in the middle of the night, He opens you up and in this hidden path, this hidden area of your heart, He planted a new seed.
It was being watered.
When you're down to doubt, He shows you it's sprout.
There. A new purpose.
A new dream to dream.

How great is our GOD.
How He strategically had Moses hidden in the basket and kept Him.
How He brought Christ naturally in the world - and fulfilled the purpose.
Had the enemy knew, He would not have been after Christ.
He would not have let Christ take the keys of hell and defeat death.

There's always a way. Unknown to the enemy, unknown to man only seen when God reveals.
 Job 27:8  No bird of prey knows that hidden path, no falcon’s eye has seen it.
 Job 27:21 It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds in the sky.
IF the enemy knew this new he wouldn't have tried to kill me, take my dream, diminish my purpose.

GREAT.  GREAT is my Father

Psalm 113:5 Who is like unto the LORD our God, who dwelleth on high,

PT 1
The statement in the picture is in its realist form, because man 😥. However, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right? Like putting off sex and dismissing lust. Everyday. Every moment.  Every sec...if you know me. (Not from high school crap, but really come to know me in the past 5 years you'd know the level of  difficulty of the above statement is- was to me. Eh, "is" is correct lol. I say that because it's not the temptation that's diminished but the God given strength to dismiss it. It's dying to my flesh EVERYDAY saying, wanting better.

It's not abstaining. A lesson I've learned hard and took me about 3 months to forgive myself because I'm the hardest on myself  (another topic for another post).

Anywho, abstaining is saying I can do it with my own strength. Which btw, I have failed many times. The worst, was this time a man named Aiden* literal poison to my soul  whenever either one of us was free from our busy jobs. That one txt or phone call regardless of time of night.

So one night home late from work, he txt me and the Holy Spirit did unction me not to respond. Unfortunately,  I responded thinking I could just say no this time around. Aiden responded something about us always being too busy so I gave in. Now Aiden had just moved, so he went from 10mins away from me to an hour. An hour. I had an hour to change my answer. To say " nevermind,  I have a headache " or something. As I was getting ready, washing and changing there was a battle within myself to just change my mind. To say nevermind.  I kept justifying and my urge to see him got stronger the more I argued and turned up music to drown out the voice I NEEDED to stop me. I get a txt that he's 10-15 mins away.  I can't say "no" now. He just drove an hour! The second I put my shoes on I knew what I just did...I just chose sex over Christ.
 Later on at our favorite hotel, (our room had 2 beds because I hate being touched right after sleeping with someone. Yes, I know I need to work on that. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I associate it to signing off on comfort in sin )anyway,  I tried to allow him to cuddle me and the Holy Spirit within me felt sick. Which in turn made my spirit  feel sick. God told me to get up in move to the other bed.
 A feeling not foreign to me. I think it's a matter that my spirit deeply loves the Lord, but my flesh due to a long battle with lust in my life was at the time stronger. Plus, my commitment to Christ,  my prayer and fasting life was weak.

Anywho,  It wasn't  because it was Aiden, it was being addicted to the act and what sex meant to me (something to elaborate in another post) and the choice of Aiden was because I found comfort in a familiar body.

Point. It wasn't until I made THE COMMITMENT to Christ. That it went from abstaining with my "strength" to celibacy with Christ who strengthens me.
A season of being veiled and prepared for a marriage to God.
A commitment I remember daily,  a dying to myself daily and consistency of seeking the Lord and asking Him to mold me into better, into what's pleasing to Him. Into the very person He had in mind when He first thought to create me.
Asking for forgiveness, pure love (not as this world gives)
Asking to strengthening our relationship.

For patience to be in no rush for another.

Honestly,  I'm just happy I'm not who I was and not where I could've ended up.