Marissa's Choice: love

Is it worth is?

5:57 AM
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To fear or not to fear...Death.

To fear or not to fear…death.

For the past couple of days now, I’ve been having difficulty breathing. Now, being an asthmatic since my toddler years battle with my lungs is no surprise. Not to say, the feeling off not being able to do something that’s a major part of keeping you alive is something you’d get used to.

I had a cousin who passed away from an asthma attack, I was told “once your lungs close, that’s it!” or the infinite amount of people tell me “make sure you have your inhaler”.

Said to say, I’ve always felt like the door of death is never far from me. During an asthma attack, I’m sure like most, you get to the point where you’re EXHAUSTED from doing the very thing you need to do to stay alive. You become so tired that you’d thing “maybe, if I just stop breathing for just a minute, I’d get some rest to keep going.” Eventually, you just want to stop.

No one understands, that’s it’s not that you really want to, but you just can’t. That to take one more breath is all you truly wish you could do, but your airways are so tight, you’ve been forcing your lungs to work, the rest of your muscles are doing the best they can, but you’re weak, you’re tired…you’re done.

From past asthma attacks, yes of course I was afraid to die. The more attacks, the less the fear. Or at least not dying but the pain, the exhaustion, the betrayal and watching your loved ones in more panic than you.

Back to the past couple days, I can honestly say I’ve been afraid. Afraid to go to sleep and not wake up. Afraid of the pain my family, especially my dad would be in. Most of all, even though I’d love to see Christ, to see Him before the purpose of my creation is done in this world- bothers me even more.

To think I’ve wasted blessed time.

To think I was a waste of time.

To know I was meant for more than to end here, at this moment in my life. Like, “really? That’s it? I wasn’t finished though”

The song “Say The Word” by Hillsong has been a recent anthem. I didn’t have to wake up from my nap today. We so pridefully assume the next day- the next moment is promised. I know I only awoke, because God SAID THE WORD. HE WOKE ME. HE SUSTAINS ME. I breathe because His breath flows throughout my lungs and keep me. That all He has to do is say the word. When my lungs betray me. When exhaustion becomes too comfortable. When fear of going to sleep over takes me. He speaks and all is well.

“Say the word and there is light
Say the word and dead bones rise
Every start and end hangs on Your voice
For Your word never returns void.”

8:52 PM
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Forever Grateful

blogyourworld

As I was in my prayer corner today, sitting and talking with God . Having a nice conversation about how far He's brought me and how I can see how different of a person I am, thanks to His love.
In the same frame of thought, I've come to realize I owed our Father an apology.

See, the other day while studying psalm 144:3 that led me to
Job 7:17 "What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention,"

I came across a scripture in the bible the old me highlighted,
Job 6:11 "what strength do I have, that I should hope? And what is my end, that I should prolong my life? "NKJV

And I began to remember her. How she would plan to take her life and fail time after time after time. And because clearly God wasn't letting her stop her pain, she would cut herself to make what she was feeling in comparison feel like well...nothing .

How deep shame felt after being caught meant that the cuts had to be deeper and better hidden. How being made fun of because of them by classmates and rejected by family aided in further false attempts I.E bulimia, starvation, over use of my inhaler (I heard somewhere it could make my lungs explode)...yes, the worse. I know.

God was working to save my life while the enemy was grinding hard to convince me to pick an opportune time to end it.

One night I had a dream, so vivid. Christ and I was racing on horses amongst the clouds having an amazing time. Then it came to take a break. He's like "we need to talk" I'm like uh oh. Trying to think of which sin in me is He about to address. (Because if you've ever had Christ look at you, you know it feels like you're glass, see-through, naked. Like, your heart is exposed and He can see the darkness in you as well as the good )

All He said was, "Marissa, I love you. "
And hugged me. I cried.
Pretty sure I woke up crying to and ran to tell my dad.

Now back to the apology. My thoughts were rude after reading Job 6:11.
I thought to myself "why did He save me, anyway? To get me to this time in my life, for what? What's different? "

I know I know. Rude.

As I prayed and spoke to God and was reminded of His goodness. Reminded of who I once was and the state of mind I was in. I NEEDED to apologize.
Anyone who knew me then as that Marissa and know me now, God has done wonders on me, my mind and outlook on life.
I am so far from her of 2006-07 .

So to have the audacity to think such a thought, "Lord, forgive the words of my lips that blaspheme You name. "

So often we forget just how GOOD God has been to us. We stop thanking Him for the wonders He's done in our lives.

All I've ever wanted & needed, was true unconditional love. Then, everyone wanted things from me that literally took from who I was.

For Christ to show up and show out just to spend a little time with me whilst running all creation, just to make sure I knew without a doubt that He loves me.
Changed my life.

He still does things like that.
I'll mention them in other posts.

Forever Grateful.
Job 7:17
Psalms 144 1-4