Marissa's Choice

I haven't written in a bit.
I've been learning much and honestly, on this particular blog I only want to post what the Lord lays heavy on my heart.

Speaking of, I recently learned something of myself.  Yesterday, while at work my coworkers and I were having an exciting  discussion concerning Christ. Another coworker of ours, Tony*, was asking about Christ. Such questions as "so what do you get out of believing in God?" "so If I say I believed and  asked for a million dollars  will I get it? " "if you say God is every where,  then that proves monogamy isn't real, because while you're in bed God is also in bed with everyone! " "so what do I have to do to....?"

In the midst of his questions Violet* answered him head on, dismissing him being facetious in his questioning.
I, on the other hand, who remained quiet out of irritation to someone joking around about my Father as though He didn't wake him up to see the day and yet this person  could care less about Who woke him  up as long as he was awakened.

Then, in that moment I learned there are different characters in the body of Christ.

For a second, I thought there was something wrong with me. Until I was brought to remembrance by the Holy Spirit when I was thinking of all the places in heaven I went when I was sad.
Instead of turning to drugs I had special places where God allowed me to go. One in particular was a beach and I would either sit in the sand and look on or swim in the water and pray. As I thought back on it and compared the times to when I used to cut myself, I wondered why I never thought to do such a thing there. What was it about that place? At that thought, someone (whom I later learned was an angel) yelled at me  "don't taint this place! " immediately I dismissed such a thought.

Bringing me back to Tony toying in his questioning. I continued to get irritated then understood the angel's emotions (for lack of a better word  )

GOD, who's so majestic and loving and kind and... amazing (which in any meaning of any  language on earth  doesn't even do Him justice ) but He's my heart. And there's this person who's semi sincere yet being facetious about Someone who's literally my entire world... I got angry.

Also, reminded to when I learned God doesn't need me to defend Him.

So, In that anger I kept my mouth shut.
For his benefit and mines, I let Violet answer Tony's questions.

Later, In trying to explain my silence ,Tony apologized.

Nonetheless, thanks to different characters in Christ, like Violet...I pray Tony walked away with an even more heightened interest in Christ.

Maybe it's something I should work on, yet I hear I have a similar character to prophets. Which if true,  makes me happy.  It'll mean I'm not off as a person and that at some point I'm going to be even closer to God.

Still,
Proverbs 11:30
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he that win souls are wise.

*names have been changed

As I was in my prayer corner today, sitting and talking with God . Having a nice conversation about how far He's brought me and how I can see how different of a person I am, thanks to His love.
In the same frame of thought, I've come to realize I owed our Father an apology.

See, the other day while studying psalm 144:3 that led me to
Job 7:17 "What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention,"

I came across a scripture in the bible the old me highlighted, 
Job 6:11 "what strength do I have, that I should hope? And what is my end, that I should prolong my life? "NKJV

And I began to remember her. How she would  plan to take her life and fail time after time after time.  And because clearly God wasn't letting her stop her pain, she would cut herself to make what she was feeling in comparison feel like well...nothing .

How deep shame felt after being caught  meant that the cuts had to be deeper and better hidden. How being made fun of because of them by classmates and rejected by family aided in further false attempts I.E bulimia, starvation, over use of my inhaler (I heard somewhere it could make my lungs explode)...yes, the worse. I know.

God was working to save my life while the enemy was grinding hard to convince me to pick an opportune time to end it.

One night  I had a dream, so vivid. Christ and I was racing on horses amongst the clouds having an amazing time. Then it came to take a break. He's like "we need to talk" I'm like uh oh. Trying to think of which sin in me is He about to address.  (Because if you've ever had Christ look at you, you know it feels like you're glass, see-through,  naked. Like, your heart is exposed and He can see the darkness in you as well as the good )

All He said was, "Marissa,  I love you. "
And hugged me. I cried.
Pretty sure I woke up crying to and ran to tell my dad.

Now back to the apology. My thoughts were rude after reading Job 6:11.
I thought to myself "why  did He save me, anyway?  To get me to this time in my life, for what? What's different? "

I know  I know. Rude.

As I prayed and spoke to God and was reminded of His goodness. Reminded of who I once was and  the state of mind I was in. I NEEDED to apologize.
Anyone who knew me then as that Marissa and know me now, God has done wonders on me, my mind and outlook on life.
I am so far from her of 2006-07 .

So to have the audacity to think such a thought, "Lord, forgive the words of my lips that blaspheme You name. "

So often we forget just how GOOD God has been to us. We stop thanking Him for the wonders He's done in our lives.

All I've ever wanted & needed, was true unconditional love. Then, everyone wanted things from me that literally took from who I was.

For Christ to show up and show out just to spend a little time with me whilst running all creation, just to make sure I knew without a doubt that He loves me.
Changed my life.

He still does things like that.
I'll mention them in other posts.

Forever Grateful.
Job 7:17
Psalms 144 1-4

I wrote this in my journal earlier today, because God read my life for the second time on the same matter.

Like, woah wow...ok.

The read was necessary,  because sometimes God has to be like " Marissa, my child, you're all the way in the middle of the sea when I want you on land." Lol

Anyway,  I was frustrated because I really wanted to read my Bible.  I was initially reading Romans because some friends of mine and I are trying to keep up  bible study sessions with our busy work schedules.  I was also in Joshua. Reading 3 other books by other authors that had me bouncing all over the Word.

God was like, "Marissa, ask me. If you just ask me, I'll tell you what I want you to read."
I was like, hmm. Jesus, that's the second time you had to tell me that this week!

I have been frustrated with work for a while now and the other day I received a phone call from a job I turned down in September. (because better pay doesn't mean it's better for me. God is trying to teach me where I am and I didn't have peace about it.  So with His guidance,  I turned it down.)
  With my current frustrations at work and the opportunity presenting itself again, made me reconsider.
I was at work yesterday, like God what do I do? What do I do? Should I leave now since this current place is becoming a headache?
While the Holy Spirit reminded me not to make a decision out of emotions, God said to me "did you even ask?" "How do you know if you haven't spoken with your store manager about it? How do you know she's  not willing to increase your pay, give you more hours or even want to promote you? "

Which brings me back to today, " ask Me"
"Ask Me, which book in my Word I want you to read. What I want you to study. What I want you to wear*. Ask me for the plans I have for you."
Instead of assuming, open your mouth and ask.

"You have not because you ask not" James 4:2
"Ask and it shall be given to you" Matthew 7:7-8

"Ask Me of the things to come " Isaiah 40:10 ( honestly,  this ENTIRE is just AMAZING )

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

* learning to dress modestly has been one of the most frustrating,  fun & eye opening lessons in my life.
I ask the Holy Spirit what He thinks I should wear today.  It's so an interesting & funny. Like last Sunday,  I was going to dress so casual.  Like, I'm not going to impress anyone.  God was like "umm Me."
😂
The Holy Spirit was like " wear that striped shirt,  find that black blazer, yes to those pants, yes you can wear those shoes and wear your hair back."

Just ask...
I read a quote somewhere that said " if you don't ask, the answer is a definite "no".  But if you ask your answer is 50/50 chance of being "yes".

So my blog will be going under construction: name, theme, purpose etc.... the whole sha-bang.

Why?  Because it just occured to me that I'm always going through something and wondering if there's someone going throught what I'm going through right now. By the time you've heard of someone who sat in the same chair you're like : "where were you when I was going through this?" As if the success/escape story was a Secret.
  Meanwhile I'm pondering: is there anyone I can talk to? I mean really talk to that would understand the predicament I'm in. Not only understand because you've studied about it or heard about it. Like, have you actually sat in the situation I'm in. Did you see what I see, hear what I hear, feel how I feel?  oh you did? Ok then, let's talk. Help me to understand...

Then maybe, only then when you say "don't worry, it'll all be ok. It's going to work itself out" I'll actually believe you.

Note to self: Write to heal..

Today I had to apologize to someone. Though it was nothing major I still apologized because I felt it was something they wanted or needed to here. However, after saying it and hearing their contentment with my words I immediately felt hurt. All that ran through my mind is ''why do I always end up being the one apologizing? Especially when I'm always the one getting wronged or hurt worse- I'm always apologizing. There's not a memory that crosses my mind where someone said "Marissa, I'm sorry." 

Before this incident I didn't apologize unless God told me to do so. Trust me I hated it. I can neither acquiesce or dispute whether its because it meant I had to admit I was actually wrong. For whatever reason I did it because my Father told me to. Then after a while before I opened my mouth, to apologize, I saught to see why I was apologizing. What did I say or do that could have hurt them? Even it may have seemed like nothing to me it could something great to them.  He, in a way, allowed me to feel their pain.

Even so, whenever I opened my mouth I always felt pained to say words I wish people in my life, who've deeply wronged me to say. Id get hurt then angry like " why are You always making me apologize? Can't You alow them to feel my pain as well? Or is it not that great?"

Having them never been said I wonder if hearing an apology ever really help. Does it take the pain away or just help you deal? Or do you just take comfort in knowing that the person that has faulted you KNOW they've hurt you. As long as they know....see, I can't imagine that being enough. It makes one question who is the apology really for?  Who does it actually help?

That why I'm reading and practicing upon forgiveness. You ever notice how God forgives people? Just like that! BEFORE we even open our mouths to repent. Now that DOESN'T mean: "well, if He's gonna forgive me anyway..."
He just does it so effortlessly . Hmmm maybe His love for us really that great. I remember reading that He purposely blots out our sins (if someone knows where please do tell)

Well, I feel healed after typing this. Hmmm maybe I don't need the amends after all. I'll just start blotting them out.

Welp, Goodnight thoughts -Xo MC