Marissa's Choice: journal moments

To fear or not to fear...Death.

To fear or not to fear…death.

For the past couple of days now, I’ve been having difficulty breathing. Now, being an asthmatic since my toddler years battle with my lungs is no surprise. Not to say, the feeling off not being able to do something that’s a major part of keeping you alive is something you’d get used to.

I had a cousin who passed away from an asthma attack, I was told “once your lungs close, that’s it!” or the infinite amount of people tell me “make sure you have your inhaler”.

Said to say, I’ve always felt like the door of death is never far from me. During an asthma attack, I’m sure like most, you get to the point where you’re EXHAUSTED from doing the very thing you need to do to stay alive. You become so tired that you’d thing “maybe, if I just stop breathing for just a minute, I’d get some rest to keep going.” Eventually, you just want to stop.

No one understands, that’s it’s not that you really want to, but you just can’t. That to take one more breath is all you truly wish you could do, but your airways are so tight, you’ve been forcing your lungs to work, the rest of your muscles are doing the best they can, but you’re weak, you’re tired…you’re done.

From past asthma attacks, yes of course I was afraid to die. The more attacks, the less the fear. Or at least not dying but the pain, the exhaustion, the betrayal and watching your loved ones in more panic than you.

Back to the past couple days, I can honestly say I’ve been afraid. Afraid to go to sleep and not wake up. Afraid of the pain my family, especially my dad would be in. Most of all, even though I’d love to see Christ, to see Him before the purpose of my creation is done in this world- bothers me even more.

To think I’ve wasted blessed time.

To think I was a waste of time.

To know I was meant for more than to end here, at this moment in my life. Like, “really? That’s it? I wasn’t finished though”

The song “Say The Word” by Hillsong has been a recent anthem. I didn’t have to wake up from my nap today. We so pridefully assume the next day- the next moment is promised. I know I only awoke, because God SAID THE WORD. HE WOKE ME. HE SUSTAINS ME. I breathe because His breath flows throughout my lungs and keep me. That all He has to do is say the word. When my lungs betray me. When exhaustion becomes too comfortable. When fear of going to sleep over takes me. He speaks and all is well.

“Say the word and there is light
Say the word and dead bones rise
Every start and end hangs on Your voice
For Your word never returns void.”