Marissa's Choice: God

CHECKPOINT. SAVED!

Lately, I've found random goal sheets I've once written out and later realize that they've been accomplished.

God did it all.

There were constant moments in my life where I've gotten complacent in a job, that was only supposed to be another step into progression. Not a permanent home. Whenever I've done that, a feeling of being stuck or thoughts of “should be doing more!” would overwhelm me.

Chapters are chapters and books are books. Some jobs or school you’re in to get you to your next step are just CHAPTERS in the BOOK of your career.

I used to worry about whether I've done my job well, or if I was doing something wrong. However, it was simply and perfect uncomfortable pricking that I'd get when I've tried to make a seasonal place a permanent home.

Now that this online magazine is up in running, I remember all the different aspirations I've wanted as a child/teenager and how amazing God is to bring them all together.

I wanted to own a magazine company.

I wanted to model for most of my life, but didn't want the fashion world's weight & trend pressures.

I wanted to design my own clothes.

I later thought I'll major in Fashion journalism, Fashion Marketing and Fashion Business.

However, I also had a heavy interest in psychology and wanting to be that ear that everyone in some point in their life wish they had. Someone with a pure interest in understanding them. Non-judgmental. Give advice when needed or just listen

(There was also a point when I was 12 I wanted to be a marine biologist and swim with giant sea turtles (at 17 it became whale sharks). However, I didn't figure that one out yet.)

Now, I write articles for my website. I'm the face of my own clothes and other designers. I sit and write this post for someone who may be confused and doubt it will all come together. I am reminded and I can't exclaim enough...

ROMANS 8:28 ALL THINGS WORK OUT FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE THAT LOVE THE LORD

It all worked out. What once looked like puzzle pieces that fit neither here or there, are now a beautiful picture. What once had my depressed and confused about whether my life was going in the right direction or anywhere at all, has circled back and came together perfectly.

2:42 PM
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A pearl

blogyourworld

7:37 AM
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To fear or not to fear...Death.

blogger

To fear or not to fear…death.

For the past couple of days now, I’ve been having difficulty breathing. Now, being an asthmatic since my toddler years battle with my lungs is no surprise. Not to say, the feeling off not being able to do something that’s a major part of keeping you alive is something you’d get used to.

I had a cousin who passed away from an asthma attack, I was told “once your lungs close, that’s it!” or the infinite amount of people tell me “make sure you have your inhaler”.

Said to say, I’ve always felt like the door of death is never far from me. During an asthma attack, I’m sure like most, you get to the point where you’re EXHAUSTED from doing the very thing you need to do to stay alive. You become so tired that you’d thing “maybe, if I just stop breathing for just a minute, I’d get some rest to keep going.” Eventually, you just want to stop.

No one understands, that’s it’s not that you really want to, but you just can’t. That to take one more breath is all you truly wish you could do, but your airways are so tight, you’ve been forcing your lungs to work, the rest of your muscles are doing the best they can, but you’re weak, you’re tired…you’re done.

From past asthma attacks, yes of course I was afraid to die. The more attacks, the less the fear. Or at least not dying but the pain, the exhaustion, the betrayal and watching your loved ones in more panic than you.

Back to the past couple days, I can honestly say I’ve been afraid. Afraid to go to sleep and not wake up. Afraid of the pain my family, especially my dad would be in. Most of all, even though I’d love to see Christ, to see Him before the purpose of my creation is done in this world- bothers me even more.

To think I’ve wasted blessed time.

To think I was a waste of time.

To know I was meant for more than to end here, at this moment in my life. Like, “really? That’s it? I wasn’t finished though”

The song “Say The Word” by Hillsong has been a recent anthem. I didn’t have to wake up from my nap today. We so pridefully assume the next day- the next moment is promised. I know I only awoke, because God SAID THE WORD. HE WOKE ME. HE SUSTAINS ME. I breathe because His breath flows throughout my lungs and keep me. That all He has to do is say the word. When my lungs betray me. When exhaustion becomes too comfortable. When fear of going to sleep over takes me. He speaks and all is well.

“Say the word and there is light
Say the word and dead bones rise
Every start and end hangs on Your voice
For Your word never returns void.”

8:52 PM
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Forever Grateful

blogyourworld

As I was in my prayer corner today, sitting and talking with God . Having a nice conversation about how far He's brought me and how I can see how different of a person I am, thanks to His love.
In the same frame of thought, I've come to realize I owed our Father an apology.

See, the other day while studying psalm 144:3 that led me to
Job 7:17 "What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention,"

I came across a scripture in the bible the old me highlighted,
Job 6:11 "what strength do I have, that I should hope? And what is my end, that I should prolong my life? "NKJV

And I began to remember her. How she would plan to take her life and fail time after time after time. And because clearly God wasn't letting her stop her pain, she would cut herself to make what she was feeling in comparison feel like well...nothing .

How deep shame felt after being caught meant that the cuts had to be deeper and better hidden. How being made fun of because of them by classmates and rejected by family aided in further false attempts I.E bulimia, starvation, over use of my inhaler (I heard somewhere it could make my lungs explode)...yes, the worse. I know.

God was working to save my life while the enemy was grinding hard to convince me to pick an opportune time to end it.

One night I had a dream, so vivid. Christ and I was racing on horses amongst the clouds having an amazing time. Then it came to take a break. He's like "we need to talk" I'm like uh oh. Trying to think of which sin in me is He about to address. (Because if you've ever had Christ look at you, you know it feels like you're glass, see-through, naked. Like, your heart is exposed and He can see the darkness in you as well as the good )

All He said was, "Marissa, I love you. "
And hugged me. I cried.
Pretty sure I woke up crying to and ran to tell my dad.

Now back to the apology. My thoughts were rude after reading Job 6:11.
I thought to myself "why did He save me, anyway? To get me to this time in my life, for what? What's different? "

I know I know. Rude.

As I prayed and spoke to God and was reminded of His goodness. Reminded of who I once was and the state of mind I was in. I NEEDED to apologize.
Anyone who knew me then as that Marissa and know me now, God has done wonders on me, my mind and outlook on life.
I am so far from her of 2006-07 .

So to have the audacity to think such a thought, "Lord, forgive the words of my lips that blaspheme You name. "

So often we forget just how GOOD God has been to us. We stop thanking Him for the wonders He's done in our lives.

All I've ever wanted & needed, was true unconditional love. Then, everyone wanted things from me that literally took from who I was.

For Christ to show up and show out just to spend a little time with me whilst running all creation, just to make sure I knew without a doubt that He loves me.
Changed my life.

He still does things like that.
I'll mention them in other posts.

Forever Grateful.
Job 7:17
Psalms 144 1-4

7:05 PM
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Forgivness...for them or me?

blogyourworld

Note to self: Write to heal..

Today I had to apologize to someone. Though it was nothing major I still apologized because I felt it was something they wanted or needed to here. However, after saying it and hearing their contentment with my words I immediately felt hurt. All that ran through my mind is ''why do I always end up being the one apologizing? Especially when I'm always the one getting wronged or hurt worse- I'm always apologizing. There's not a memory that crosses my mind where someone said "Marissa, I'm sorry."

Before this incident I didn't apologize unless God told me to do so. Trust me I hated it. I can neither acquiesce or dispute whether its because it meant I had to admit I was actually wrong. For whatever reason I did it because my Father told me to. Then after a while before I opened my mouth, to apologize, I saught to see why I was apologizing. What did I say or do that could have hurt them? Even it may have seemed like nothing to me it could something great to them. He, in a way, allowed me to feel their pain.

Even so, whenever I opened my mouth I always felt pained to say words I wish people in my life, who've deeply wronged me to say. Id get hurt then angry like " why are You always making me apologize? Can't You alow them to feel my pain as well? Or is it not that great?"

Having them never been said I wonder if hearing an apology ever really help. Does it take the pain away or just help you deal? Or do you just take comfort in knowing that the person that has faulted you KNOW they've hurt you. As long as they know....see, I can't imagine that being enough. It makes one question who is the apology really for? Who does it actually help?

That why I'm reading and practicing upon forgiveness. You ever notice how God forgives people? Just like that! BEFORE we even open our mouths to repent. Now that DOESN'T mean: "well, if He's gonna forgive me anyway..."
He just does it so effortlessly . Hmmm maybe His love for us really that great. I remember reading that He purposely blots out our sins (if someone knows where please do tell)

Well, I feel healed after typing this. Hmmm maybe I don't need the amends after all. I'll just start blotting them out.