Marissa's Choice

PT 1
The statement in the picture is in its realist form, because man 😥. However, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right? Like putting off sex and dismissing lust. Everyday. Every moment.  Every sec...if you know me. (Not from high school crap, but really come to know me in the past 5 years you'd know the level of  difficulty of the above statement is- was to me. Eh, "is" is correct lol. I say that because it's not the temptation that's diminished but the God given strength to dismiss it. It's dying to my flesh EVERYDAY saying, wanting better.

It's not abstaining. A lesson I've learned hard and took me about 3 months to forgive myself because I'm the hardest on myself  (another topic for another post).

Anywho, abstaining is saying I can do it with my own strength. Which btw, I have failed many times. The worst, was this time a man named Aiden* literal poison to my soul  whenever either one of us was free from our busy jobs. That one txt or phone call regardless of time of night.

So one night home late from work, he txt me and the Holy Spirit did unction me not to respond. Unfortunately,  I responded thinking I could just say no this time around. Aiden responded something about us always being too busy so I gave in. Now Aiden had just moved, so he went from 10mins away from me to an hour. An hour. I had an hour to change my answer. To say " nevermind,  I have a headache " or something. As I was getting ready, washing and changing there was a battle within myself to just change my mind. To say nevermind.  I kept justifying and my urge to see him got stronger the more I argued and turned up music to drown out the voice I NEEDED to stop me. I get a txt that he's 10-15 mins away.  I can't say "no" now. He just drove an hour! The second I put my shoes on I knew what I just did...I just chose sex over Christ.
 Later on at our favorite hotel, (our room had 2 beds because I hate being touched right after sleeping with someone. Yes, I know I need to work on that. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I associate it to signing off on comfort in sin )anyway,  I tried to allow him to cuddle me and the Holy Spirit within me felt sick. Which in turn made my spirit  feel sick. God told me to get up in move to the other bed.
 A feeling not foreign to me. I think it's a matter that my spirit deeply loves the Lord, but my flesh due to a long battle with lust in my life was at the time stronger. Plus, my commitment to Christ,  my prayer and fasting life was weak.

Anywho,  It wasn't  because it was Aiden, it was being addicted to the act and what sex meant to me (something to elaborate in another post) and the choice of Aiden was because I found comfort in a familiar body.

Point. It wasn't until I made THE COMMITMENT to Christ. That it went from abstaining with my "strength" to celibacy with Christ who strengthens me.
A season of being veiled and prepared for a marriage to God.
A commitment I remember daily,  a dying to myself daily and consistency of seeking the Lord and asking Him to mold me into better, into what's pleasing to Him. Into the very person He had in mind when He first thought to create me.
Asking for forgiveness, pure love (not as this world gives)
Asking to strengthening our relationship.

For patience to be in no rush for another.

Honestly,  I'm just happy I'm not who I was and not where I could've ended up.

If I were my enemy, I'd distract me too. Throw off my entire focus & thought process. Hinder my prayer life, take away my appetite to read the one that I can't live without.

When you know your enemy, you know his methods, you know how to counter attack and look to Jesus for strength to continue. You'd think by knowing these things my walk with Christ should be 100.

Yet since last week till now has been nothing short of a battle. On and off. On and off. As though Isaiah 36:4-5 (NIV) is being yelled.
  "On what are you basing this confidence of yours?...on whom are you depending, that you rebel against me?"
Which leaves me thinking "what is going on or about to birth that the enemy is fighting me so much lately?"

The only thing that comes to mind is my intimacy with God. I sincerely don't think I've ever made it this far, this close. Normally, I'd get distracted and stumble and set back by the same thing lust and feel like I'd have to start over. However, this time around the familiar wasn't the case. I didn't care about anything other than God. 'I just want You' by Travis Greene has been my anthem and anything short of God is dismissed from my vision.

Or progress, starting the fashion/lifestyle blog has been a dream and I'm DONE procrastinating. Steps and positive progress has been made. The spirit of failure and defeat is rebuked and bound. It's all working out (heyy! Romans 8:28! I see what You did there Jesus lol)

Then again, it may very well not be about me. It could be about the lives of others that's attached to walking this path and recently learning the meaning & power of intercession. That the battle could very well be to distract & delay my walk to hinder others.

I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired, but my God is strong. I do know that my enemy is anxious and plotting but my God is greater and a strategic planner. I mean, if He wasn't the enemy would have know not to have Christ persecuted. Isaiah 37:26-29 was God's comeback to Isaiah 36:4-5, I died laughing. Like Lord, the sass lol!

Anywho in the end, the victory belongs to the Lord. It is not of my strength or "power", but the Christ in me. Come on now, "greater is He that's in me than he that's in the world!" In case you've forgotten the Majesty of my Father look to Isaiah 40.

Focus.

"Be diligent or have yourself a seat & find yourself."- Richard L. Taylor. Reading that quote 20 mins ago, reminded me that I am indeed in a battle. That I do know how to fight back, so why aren't I? That there are souls attached to me running the race and well. So it's time for me to stop taking these hits , fight back (in Jesus' name ) and keep moving forward.