Marissa's Choice

9:46 PM
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PT 1
The statement in the picture is in its realist form, because man 😥. However, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right? Like putting off sex and dismissing lust. Everyday. Every moment. Every sec...if you know me. (Not from high school crap, but really come to know me in the past 5 years you'd know the level of difficulty of the above statement is- was to me. Eh, "is" is correct lol. I say that because it's not the temptation that's diminished but the God given strength to dismiss it. It's dying to my flesh EVERYDAY saying, wanting better.

It's not abstaining. A lesson I've learned hard and took me about 3 months to forgive myself because I'm the hardest on myself (another topic for another post).

Anywho, abstaining is saying I can do it with my own strength. Which btw, I have failed many times. The worst, was this time a man named Aiden* literal poison to my soul whenever either one of us was free from our busy jobs. That one txt or phone call regardless of time of night.

So one night home late from work, he txt me and the Holy Spirit did unction me not to respond. Unfortunately, I responded thinking I could just say no this time around. Aiden responded something about us always being too busy so I gave in. Now Aiden had just moved, so he went from 10mins away from me to an hour. An hour. I had an hour to change my answer. To say " nevermind, I have a headache " or something. As I was getting ready, washing and changing there was a battle within myself to just change my mind. To say nevermind. I kept justifying and my urge to see him got stronger the more I argued and turned up music to drown out the voice I NEEDED to stop me. I get a txt that he's 10-15 mins away. I can't say "no" now. He just drove an hour! The second I put my shoes on I knew what I just did...I just chose sex over Christ.
Later on at our favorite hotel, (our room had 2 beds because I hate being touched right after sleeping with someone. Yes, I know I need to work on that. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I associate it to signing off on comfort in sin )anyway, I tried to allow him to cuddle me and the Holy Spirit within me felt sick. Which in turn made my spirit feel sick. God told me to get up in move to the other bed.
A feeling not foreign to me. I think it's a matter that my spirit deeply loves the Lord, but my flesh due to a long battle with lust in my life was at the time stronger. Plus, my commitment to Christ, my prayer and fasting life was weak.

Anywho, It wasn't because it was Aiden, it was being addicted to the act and what sex meant to me (something to elaborate in another post) and the choice of Aiden was because I found comfort in a familiar body.

Point. It wasn't until I made THE COMMITMENT to Christ. That it went from abstaining with my "strength" to celibacy with Christ who strengthens me.
A season of being veiled and prepared for a marriage to God.
A commitment I remember daily, a dying to myself daily and consistency of seeking the Lord and asking Him to mold me into better, into what's pleasing to Him. Into the very person He had in mind when He first thought to create me.
Asking for forgiveness, pure love (not as this world gives)
Asking to strengthening our relationship.

For patience to be in no rush for another.

Honestly, I'm just happy I'm not who I was and not where I could've ended up.

11:10 AM
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To fear or not to fear...Death.

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To fear or not to fear…death.

For the past couple of days now, I’ve been having difficulty breathing. Now, being an asthmatic since my toddler years battle with my lungs is no surprise. Not to say, the feeling off not being able to do something that’s a major part of keeping you alive is something you’d get used to.

I had a cousin who passed away from an asthma attack, I was told “once your lungs close, that’s it!” or the infinite amount of people tell me “make sure you have your inhaler”.

Said to say, I’ve always felt like the door of death is never far from me. During an asthma attack, I’m sure like most, you get to the point where you’re EXHAUSTED from doing the very thing you need to do to stay alive. You become so tired that you’d thing “maybe, if I just stop breathing for just a minute, I’d get some rest to keep going.” Eventually, you just want to stop.

No one understands, that’s it’s not that you really want to, but you just can’t. That to take one more breath is all you truly wish you could do, but your airways are so tight, you’ve been forcing your lungs to work, the rest of your muscles are doing the best they can, but you’re weak, you’re tired…you’re done.

From past asthma attacks, yes of course I was afraid to die. The more attacks, the less the fear. Or at least not dying but the pain, the exhaustion, the betrayal and watching your loved ones in more panic than you.

Back to the past couple days, I can honestly say I’ve been afraid. Afraid to go to sleep and not wake up. Afraid of the pain my family, especially my dad would be in. Most of all, even though I’d love to see Christ, to see Him before the purpose of my creation is done in this world- bothers me even more.

To think I’ve wasted blessed time.

To think I was a waste of time.

To know I was meant for more than to end here, at this moment in my life. Like, “really? That’s it? I wasn’t finished though”

The song “Say The Word” by Hillsong has been a recent anthem. I didn’t have to wake up from my nap today. We so pridefully assume the next day- the next moment is promised. I know I only awoke, because God SAID THE WORD. HE WOKE ME. HE SUSTAINS ME. I breathe because His breath flows throughout my lungs and keep me. That all He has to do is say the word. When my lungs betray me. When exhaustion becomes too comfortable. When fear of going to sleep over takes me. He speaks and all is well.

“Say the word and there is light
Say the word and dead bones rise
Every start and end hangs on Your voice
For Your word never returns void.”

8:52 PM
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If I were my enemy...

battle is won

If I were my enemy, I'd distract me too. Throw off my entire focus & thought process. Hinder my prayer life, take away my appetite to read the one that I can't live without.

When you know your enemy, you know his methods, you know how to counter attack and look to Jesus for strength to continue. You'd think by knowing these things my walk with Christ should be 100.

Yet since last week till now has been nothing short of a battle. On and off. On and off. As though Isaiah 36:4-5 (NIV) is being yelled.
"On what are you basing this confidence of yours?...on whom are you depending, that you rebel against me?"
Which leaves me thinking "what is going on or about to birth that the enemy is fighting me so much lately?"

The only thing that comes to mind is my intimacy with God. I sincerely don't think I've ever made it this far, this close. Normally, I'd get distracted and stumble and set back by the same thing lust and feel like I'd have to start over. However, this time around the familiar wasn't the case. I didn't care about anything other than God. 'I just want You' by Travis Greene has been my anthem and anything short of God is dismissed from my vision.

Or progress, starting the fashion/lifestyle blog has been a dream and I'm DONE procrastinating. Steps and positive progress has been made. The spirit of failure and defeat is rebuked and bound. It's all working out (heyy! Romans 8:28! I see what You did there Jesus lol)

Then again, it may very well not be about me. It could be about the lives of others that's attached to walking this path and recently learning the meaning & power of intercession. That the battle could very well be to distract & delay my walk to hinder others.

I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired, but my God is strong. I do know that my enemy is anxious and plotting but my God is greater and a strategic planner. I mean, if He wasn't the enemy would have know not to have Christ persecuted. Isaiah 37:26-29 was God's comeback to Isaiah 36:4-5, I died laughing. Like Lord, the sass lol!

Anywho in the end, the victory belongs to the Lord. It is not of my strength or "power", but the Christ in me. Come on now, "greater is He that's in me than he that's in the world!" In case you've forgotten the Majesty of my Father look to Isaiah 40.

Focus.

"Be diligent or have yourself a seat & find yourself."- Richard L. Taylor. Reading that quote 20 mins ago, reminded me that I am indeed in a battle. That I do know how to fight back, so why aren't I? That there are souls attached to me running the race and well. So it's time for me to stop taking these hits , fight back (in Jesus' name ) and keep moving forward.

6:42 PM
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Something new

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I haven't written in a bit.
I've been learning much and honestly, on this particular blog I only want to post what the Lord lays heavy on my heart.

Speaking of, I recently learned something of myself. Yesterday, while at work my coworkers and I were having an exciting discussion concerning Christ. Another coworker of ours, Tony*, was asking about Christ. Such questions as "so what do you get out of believing in God?" "so If I say I believed and asked for a million dollars will I get it? " "if you say God is every where, then that proves monogamy isn't real, because while you're in bed God is also in bed with everyone! " "so what do I have to do to....?"

In the midst of his questions Violet* answered him head on, dismissing him being facetious in his questioning.
I, on the other hand, who remained quiet out of irritation to someone joking around about my Father as though He didn't wake him up to see the day and yet this person could care less about Who woke him up as long as he was awakened.

Then, in that moment I learned there are different characters in the body of Christ.

For a second, I thought there was something wrong with me. Until I was brought to remembrance by the Holy Spirit when I was thinking of all the places in heaven I went when I was sad.
Instead of turning to drugs I had special places where God allowed me to go. One in particular was a beach and I would either sit in the sand and look on or swim in the water and pray. As I thought back on it and compared the times to when I used to cut myself, I wondered why I never thought to do such a thing there. What was it about that place? At that thought, someone (whom I later learned was an angel) yelled at me "don't taint this place! " immediately I dismissed such a thought.

Bringing me back to Tony toying in his questioning. I continued to get irritated then understood the angel's emotions (for lack of a better word )

GOD, who's so majestic and loving and kind and... amazing (which in any meaning of any language on earth doesn't even do Him justice ) but He's my heart. And there's this person who's semi sincere yet being facetious about Someone who's literally my entire world... I got angry.

Also, reminded to when I learned God doesn't need me to defend Him.

So, In that anger I kept my mouth shut.
For his benefit and mines, I let Violet answer Tony's questions.

Later, In trying to explain my silence ,Tony apologized.

Nonetheless, thanks to different characters in Christ, like Violet...I pray Tony walked away with an even more heightened interest in Christ.

Maybe it's something I should work on, yet I hear I have a similar character to prophets. Which if true, makes me happy. It'll mean I'm not off as a person and that at some point I'm going to be even closer to God.

Still,
Proverbs 11:30
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he that win souls are wise.

*names have been changed