Marissa's Choice

Sooo, I'm currently away from my journal and I need to upchuck some thoughts that are physically making me sick. Here, right now, all proper English diction and punctuation rules are on vacation so don't judge me for lack thereof if you're reading this.

I met this person a week ago. She's funny, crazy, outgoing and stylish like me. However, she seems to be the tails to my heads on a coin. She's the bad side of me. The old me and some parts of the bad/worldly me I never got to be. She's the unsaved, trapped by the world, sex feining, money enslaved me.
This is indeed the first time the quote
  "what you don't like about someone else is what you truly dislike about yourself."
Comes into place and is actually true. Is she me? If so, I do AND don't like  the reflection.
I know my thoughts aren't fair. No, I'm not going to "defriend" her because of them. But will I slip and unwillingly/unconsciously become her? I doubt it, I'd like to think I've become stronger in Christ. Less swayed by society.
Main point:
I just don't like that I can identify her-me.

So my blog will be going under construction: name, theme, purpose etc.... the whole sha-bang.

Why?  Because it just occured to me that I'm always going through something and wondering if there's someone going throught what I'm going through right now. By the time you've heard of someone who sat in the same chair you're like : "where were you when I was going through this?" As if the success/escape story was a Secret.
  Meanwhile I'm pondering: is there anyone I can talk to? I mean really talk to that would understand the predicament I'm in. Not only understand because you've studied about it or heard about it. Like, have you actually sat in the situation I'm in. Did you see what I see, hear what I hear, feel how I feel?  oh you did? Ok then, let's talk. Help me to understand...

Then maybe, only then when you say "don't worry, it'll all be ok. It's going to work itself out" I'll actually believe you.

Last night the last two things I watched was Piranha and Beavis & Butthead. However, before those two I watched Wildfire. I finally watched the ending and I was touched; maybe that's what sparked ny dream.
I dreamt that everything was perfect in my life. Not that every implication had met it's solution, but because I was happy. So happy that I cried, but then my tears of joy became of sadness. Because everything was so perfect I couldn't believe it and I hated for it to end.
As I stood there on the altar getting wedded to someone I love with everything within me and having the "ok" from God to finally allow me to feel that way. No guilt to wether it was wrong, no doubt he was the one and no inclination to anything negative. And the  way I felt knowing that I was equally loved back was...impeccable.
I was asked why did I feel that way?  All I remember saying in the dream was: "it's perfect. It's all so perfect and I'm actually happy. I just don't want it to end."

I think in the dream I either tried to push everything away before it got the chance to leave or grabbed hold of everything as if I already expected it to. Infact that's something I actually do.
But why do I think pure happiness is temporary? Or at least for myself?

A gift given then taken.

I don't expect things to always be perfect, but I do expect to always be happy.

Note to self: Write to heal..

Today I had to apologize to someone. Though it was nothing major I still apologized because I felt it was something they wanted or needed to here. However, after saying it and hearing their contentment with my words I immediately felt hurt. All that ran through my mind is ''why do I always end up being the one apologizing? Especially when I'm always the one getting wronged or hurt worse- I'm always apologizing. There's not a memory that crosses my mind where someone said "Marissa, I'm sorry." 

Before this incident I didn't apologize unless God told me to do so. Trust me I hated it. I can neither acquiesce or dispute whether its because it meant I had to admit I was actually wrong. For whatever reason I did it because my Father told me to. Then after a while before I opened my mouth, to apologize, I saught to see why I was apologizing. What did I say or do that could have hurt them? Even it may have seemed like nothing to me it could something great to them.  He, in a way, allowed me to feel their pain.

Even so, whenever I opened my mouth I always felt pained to say words I wish people in my life, who've deeply wronged me to say. Id get hurt then angry like " why are You always making me apologize? Can't You alow them to feel my pain as well? Or is it not that great?"

Having them never been said I wonder if hearing an apology ever really help. Does it take the pain away or just help you deal? Or do you just take comfort in knowing that the person that has faulted you KNOW they've hurt you. As long as they know....see, I can't imagine that being enough. It makes one question who is the apology really for?  Who does it actually help?

That why I'm reading and practicing upon forgiveness. You ever notice how God forgives people? Just like that! BEFORE we even open our mouths to repent. Now that DOESN'T mean: "well, if He's gonna forgive me anyway..."
He just does it so effortlessly . Hmmm maybe His love for us really that great. I remember reading that He purposely blots out our sins (if someone knows where please do tell)

Well, I feel healed after typing this. Hmmm maybe I don't need the amends after all. I'll just start blotting them out.

Welp, Goodnight thoughts -Xo MC

Welp, this is me. Being the dork I am. Someone told me to take a picture of myself laughing/smiling because they think that's when I look most beautiful. however, I looked at the photo and said "ew, my cheeks are so chunky!" Lol
Then, I was asked how does someone like myself, who wants to model, have so many insecurities. All I could think was "even barbie has her flaws". After a while, I really thought about it. When I was younger I was always called ugly and back then, I pointed out to myself everything I thought was beautiful about me. However, now that I've grown into my features and continuously receive compliments, I point out things I  don't find so attractive. Weird right? Maybe its my way of keeping myself humble . I don't think I'm ugly. I actually happen to think I'm beautiful, but NO more or less than other women. I just dont want to allow what others' opinion of my apperance effect what I think of myself.
  That's something I see everyday. The media telling women what they "should" look like and if they dont fit that cookie cutter apperance than they're unattractive. Which is why you have women getting plastic surgery, bleaching their skin, and starving themselves . Whatever you are NATURALLY, whether its skinny, on the plus side, dark or light, really short or really tall be that. Its BEAUTIFUL.
I once heard someone say "God is too creative for everyone to be the same."  Why are you breaking your neck to look like someone else who isn't any more (or less) beautiful than you are!

* I am in no way dismissing makeup. Wear it. I do! I love the different colors. However, there's a difference when changing your apperance because someone think something about you is a flaw. *