Note to self: Write to heal..

Today I had to apologize to someone. Though it was nothing major I still apologized because I felt it was something they wanted or needed to here. However, after saying it and hearing their contentment with my words I immediately felt hurt. All that ran through my mind is ''why do I always end up being the one apologizing? Especially when I'm always the one getting wronged or hurt worse- I'm always apologizing. There's not a memory that crosses my mind where someone said "Marissa, I'm sorry." 

Before this incident I didn't apologize unless God told me to do so. Trust me I hated it. I can neither acquiesce or dispute whether its because it meant I had to admit I was actually wrong. For whatever reason I did it because my Father told me to. Then after a while before I opened my mouth, to apologize, I saught to see why I was apologizing. What did I say or do that could have hurt them? Even it may have seemed like nothing to me it could something great to them.  He, in a way, allowed me to feel their pain.

Even so, whenever I opened my mouth I always felt pained to say words I wish people in my life, who've deeply wronged me to say. Id get hurt then angry like " why are You always making me apologize? Can't You alow them to feel my pain as well? Or is it not that great?"

Having them never been said I wonder if hearing an apology ever really help. Does it take the pain away or just help you deal? Or do you just take comfort in knowing that the person that has faulted you KNOW they've hurt you. As long as they know....see, I can't imagine that being enough. It makes one question who is the apology really for?  Who does it actually help?

That why I'm reading and practicing upon forgiveness. You ever notice how God forgives people? Just like that! BEFORE we even open our mouths to repent. Now that DOESN'T mean: "well, if He's gonna forgive me anyway..."
He just does it so effortlessly . Hmmm maybe His love for us really that great. I remember reading that He purposely blots out our sins (if someone knows where please do tell)

Well, I feel healed after typing this. Hmmm maybe I don't need the amends after all. I'll just start blotting them out.

Welp, Goodnight thoughts -Xo MC