Marissa's Choice

Smile, anyway. 

Whatever it is, it's out of your control. In fact, it was never meant for you to fix it. It was always for God to handle to show you "He's got this! Just like He's got you." Loosing sleep over what? Missing meals over what? Come on now, when God is for you ____? (Fill in the blank)
Rest in knowing God ALWAYS wins.

 "When you align your heart with God's heart & your plans with God's purposes...God will give you the this the rest of the work has to grasp for..."


Without  Christ... I. can. do. NOTHING!
However, WITH Christ ALL things are possible!

PHILIPPIANS 4:13!
Matthew 6:33

                                                                     
                                                                     God did it all.

                                 First and foremost :

23 

    or the rich boast in their riches.

24 

But those who wish to boast

    should boast in this alone:

that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord

    who demonstrates unfailing love

    and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,

and that I delight in these things.

    I, the Lord, have spoken!"

Two weeks ago, I felt drained. As though I was fighting battles on all fronts, for a month and failing at them...ALL.

Now, I look up the battles are won & gone, my goal check list that I made MONTHS ago are checked off. The online magazine that customers can shop directly from AND could incorporate this blog on is established.

                                   

                                        God checked them all off!

I'm looking at the papers like:

                    "wait....Father, You just checked off my entire list. You've even bypassed some of the goals that I THOUGHT were required accomplishments, that I THOUGHT I was too inadequate to even get to the position I'm trying to reach. 

Yet,  here You are " CHECK, CHECK, CHECK, Don't need that. We can skip that. Let's not burn that bridge we'll used it later. I've qualified you. CHECK, CHECK . OK. It's GOOD" "

Still, I'm here in shock like, "He really just did all that." "WHY is He so good to me?" "I thought it was going to take years!"

And then God uses someone else to tell me, "What would take you a lifetime to accomplish, I can do in a day."

"But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day." - 2 Peter 3:8

So here I am, astonished. Beyond grateful. Nothing less than thankful for His goodness. His kindness. His mercy. His grace. His love. He, Himself, in all that He is.

I write this because, I finally understand glory. God's glory.

There's NONE like Him. He's the embodiment of the definition of love. 

Yes, even if He didn't do such things, my thankfulness is the same. 

My youngest brother got saved recently.

He's registered for classes. He's ready to move on his own.

He looks to me as an example of how to look to Christ.

Our home is our first ministry.

I pray in Jesus' name that he continues headstrong with Christ. That he falls in love so deeply, it soothes and removes the pain he's endured.

Soon. It's happened with me.

All Glory To God our Father in Heaven.

  

When He's so amazing , He loves you more than you love yourself.
That the nature of His love nurtures all that was put to sleep by worldly scars.

When His hand is heavy up on you and He moves you across the board of this world like the Queen in chess. When your enemy temporarily makes you feel inadequate- He shows you, He can move you anywhere He deems. He's above all . He is all.

He's my life. The love of everything that keeps you alive.

When this world has executed you more than once.
When the people of this world who breaks the innocence in you, who breaks the joy in you, the inability to properly love.
With God, I become kintsugi.
His love, worth more than gold,makes the millions of pieces of me whole.
When you lose a dream and dont realize it until the last minute at 25, where you feel there cant possibly be more. you cant possibly do anything great past here.

Then in a dream in the middle of the night, He opens you up and in this hidden path, this hidden area of your heart, He planted a new seed.
It was being watered.
When you're down to doubt, He shows you it's sprout.
There. A new purpose.
A new dream to dream.

How great is our GOD.
How He strategically had Moses hidden in the basket and kept Him.
How He brought Christ naturally in the world - and fulfilled the purpose.
Had the enemy knew, He would not have been after Christ.
He would not have let Christ take the keys of hell and defeat death.

There's always a way. Unknown to the enemy, unknown to man only seen when God reveals.
 Job 27:8  No bird of prey knows that hidden path, no falcon’s eye has seen it.
 Job 27:21 It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds in the sky.
IF the enemy knew this new he wouldn't have tried to kill me, take my dream, diminish my purpose.

GREAT.  GREAT is my Father

Psalm 113:5 Who is like unto the LORD our God, who dwelleth on high,

Maybe this is as sacred to me as the peace blanket, as Christ jumping in to protect me in an unfair fight against spirits, or God crowning me and calling me "MINE" .

A man who thinks God has told who his wife will be, yet God hasn't confirmed that man is her husband to her. . . Should pray and practice to be patient.

Love her obedience and respect her decision to not move a beat until God tells her.

He should trust and rest in God's timing.

There will be no need to rush the process or pressure her.

Today has been a test. Not God - intended but thanks to Christ and what He's taught and been teaching me lately,  I've been able to handle the things Satan  has been throwing at me. Sometimes , I feel like I'm not growing.  However,  today has verified that indeed I am and exceedingly well. When you have the power to handle something one way, but choose another. One that leaves you blameless and at peace with your integrity in tact.  You've reached the mark

Note: this journal entry is about 2 months old. Still, it's a long lines of moments in celibacy others don't talk about. If it helps you, cool. If not, I hope it was a great read for you.

My friend and I seem to go through the same things in a week span apart. She'd over come the temptation of lust last night, yet just last week I had to Txt her concerning how bad I wanted to sleep with this one guy? That following week, sex with him was the only thing I could think about. I forced myself to be busy with clients, my blogs and shopping so I could think of other things. Anything other the craving I had of him . Later, as usual a split road is presented before me and I'd hear Christ saying "just choose Me" it is more than enough to overcome any battle. It's basically Jesus saying "you can't win this on your own Tag Me in." Isaiah 41:13 (Hopefully you guys are aware of tag team wrestling. Btw, The Rock or Undertaker anyday ) Anywho, just choosing Christ alone is more than enough. Plus, I really didn't want to go through the same process of conviction (which is my favorite feeling, but that's a different topic ) feeling guilty (aka Satan's audacity to rub it in), having to repent for something I knew I shouldn't have done, having God forgive me (for the same thing for the 300th time ) and taking myself double the time to forgive myself. I consistently tell God how much I love Him. Then I think of how love is a verb-an ACTION word . I want to say it, SHOW it and mean it. John 14:15 "If you love me, keep my commands." NIV What also helped was reading more, being transparent and honest to God about what I'm feeling and fasting. Because fasting disciplines your flesh! Whether for an hour, 3 hours or a day. Isaiah 58-6 “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke? "

Firstly, I'm getting really annoyed with people asking my relationship status with a tone of rushing me.

Like, CAN I LIVE? Happily single whilst getting my character and life together, instead of just being with someone just because. .. or no? *crickets*

Real reason?

You ever been afraid to be with someone out of how you are with God?
For instance, I don't this I can treat some one else how they deserve to be treated if I don't even treat God, how He deserves.

Like, I'm bad with communication (funny thing is I've ended most of my relationships over the same thing- poor communication )
Anywho, I don't always consistently talk with those I important to me. Same goes with my relationship with God. I don't always talk to Him as often as I should and because I know better and it's difficult for me to do so....if I can't communicate properly to the One person I should get it right with, how then will I with another?

Maybe it's a first naturally then spiritually thing. Or did I just twist that for my own sanity?

I just want my heart and character to be right. I want to properly be the crown of my husband. Especially, when I don't believe in divorce. So it can't just be anyone. Let's prevent  both of miserable and anxious for death to do us part.

PT 1
The statement in the picture is in its realist form, because man 😥. However, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right? Like putting off sex and dismissing lust. Everyday. Every moment.  Every sec...if you know me. (Not from high school crap, but really come to know me in the past 5 years you'd know the level of  difficulty of the above statement is- was to me. Eh, "is" is correct lol. I say that because it's not the temptation that's diminished but the God given strength to dismiss it. It's dying to my flesh EVERYDAY saying, wanting better.

It's not abstaining. A lesson I've learned hard and took me about 3 months to forgive myself because I'm the hardest on myself  (another topic for another post).

Anywho, abstaining is saying I can do it with my own strength. Which btw, I have failed many times. The worst, was this time a man named Aiden* literal poison to my soul  whenever either one of us was free from our busy jobs. That one txt or phone call regardless of time of night.

So one night home late from work, he txt me and the Holy Spirit did unction me not to respond. Unfortunately,  I responded thinking I could just say no this time around. Aiden responded something about us always being too busy so I gave in. Now Aiden had just moved, so he went from 10mins away from me to an hour. An hour. I had an hour to change my answer. To say " nevermind,  I have a headache " or something. As I was getting ready, washing and changing there was a battle within myself to just change my mind. To say nevermind.  I kept justifying and my urge to see him got stronger the more I argued and turned up music to drown out the voice I NEEDED to stop me. I get a txt that he's 10-15 mins away.  I can't say "no" now. He just drove an hour! The second I put my shoes on I knew what I just did...I just chose sex over Christ.
 Later on at our favorite hotel, (our room had 2 beds because I hate being touched right after sleeping with someone. Yes, I know I need to work on that. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I associate it to signing off on comfort in sin )anyway,  I tried to allow him to cuddle me and the Holy Spirit within me felt sick. Which in turn made my spirit  feel sick. God told me to get up in move to the other bed.
 A feeling not foreign to me. I think it's a matter that my spirit deeply loves the Lord, but my flesh due to a long battle with lust in my life was at the time stronger. Plus, my commitment to Christ,  my prayer and fasting life was weak.

Anywho,  It wasn't  because it was Aiden, it was being addicted to the act and what sex meant to me (something to elaborate in another post) and the choice of Aiden was because I found comfort in a familiar body.

Point. It wasn't until I made THE COMMITMENT to Christ. That it went from abstaining with my "strength" to celibacy with Christ who strengthens me.
A season of being veiled and prepared for a marriage to God.
A commitment I remember daily,  a dying to myself daily and consistency of seeking the Lord and asking Him to mold me into better, into what's pleasing to Him. Into the very person He had in mind when He first thought to create me.
Asking for forgiveness, pure love (not as this world gives)
Asking to strengthening our relationship.

For patience to be in no rush for another.

Honestly,  I'm just happy I'm not who I was and not where I could've ended up.

If I were my enemy, I'd distract me too. Throw off my entire focus & thought process. Hinder my prayer life, take away my appetite to read the one that I can't live without.

When you know your enemy, you know his methods, you know how to counter attack and look to Jesus for strength to continue. You'd think by knowing these things my walk with Christ should be 100.

Yet since last week till now has been nothing short of a battle. On and off. On and off. As though Isaiah 36:4-5 (NIV) is being yelled.
  "On what are you basing this confidence of yours?...on whom are you depending, that you rebel against me?"
Which leaves me thinking "what is going on or about to birth that the enemy is fighting me so much lately?"

The only thing that comes to mind is my intimacy with God. I sincerely don't think I've ever made it this far, this close. Normally, I'd get distracted and stumble and set back by the same thing lust and feel like I'd have to start over. However, this time around the familiar wasn't the case. I didn't care about anything other than God. 'I just want You' by Travis Greene has been my anthem and anything short of God is dismissed from my vision.

Or progress, starting the fashion/lifestyle blog has been a dream and I'm DONE procrastinating. Steps and positive progress has been made. The spirit of failure and defeat is rebuked and bound. It's all working out (heyy! Romans 8:28! I see what You did there Jesus lol)

Then again, it may very well not be about me. It could be about the lives of others that's attached to walking this path and recently learning the meaning & power of intercession. That the battle could very well be to distract & delay my walk to hinder others.

I don't know. What I do know is that I'm tired, but my God is strong. I do know that my enemy is anxious and plotting but my God is greater and a strategic planner. I mean, if He wasn't the enemy would have know not to have Christ persecuted. Isaiah 37:26-29 was God's comeback to Isaiah 36:4-5, I died laughing. Like Lord, the sass lol!

Anywho in the end, the victory belongs to the Lord. It is not of my strength or "power", but the Christ in me. Come on now, "greater is He that's in me than he that's in the world!" In case you've forgotten the Majesty of my Father look to Isaiah 40.

Focus.

"Be diligent or have yourself a seat & find yourself."- Richard L. Taylor. Reading that quote 20 mins ago, reminded me that I am indeed in a battle. That I do know how to fight back, so why aren't I? That there are souls attached to me running the race and well. So it's time for me to stop taking these hits , fight back (in Jesus' name ) and keep moving forward.

I haven't written in a bit.
I've been learning much and honestly, on this particular blog I only want to post what the Lord lays heavy on my heart.

Speaking of, I recently learned something of myself.  Yesterday, while at work my coworkers and I were having an exciting  discussion concerning Christ. Another coworker of ours, Tony*, was asking about Christ. Such questions as "so what do you get out of believing in God?" "so If I say I believed and  asked for a million dollars  will I get it? " "if you say God is every where,  then that proves monogamy isn't real, because while you're in bed God is also in bed with everyone! " "so what do I have to do to....?"

In the midst of his questions Violet* answered him head on, dismissing him being facetious in his questioning.
I, on the other hand, who remained quiet out of irritation to someone joking around about my Father as though He didn't wake him up to see the day and yet this person  could care less about Who woke him  up as long as he was awakened.

Then, in that moment I learned there are different characters in the body of Christ.

For a second, I thought there was something wrong with me. Until I was brought to remembrance by the Holy Spirit when I was thinking of all the places in heaven I went when I was sad.
Instead of turning to drugs I had special places where God allowed me to go. One in particular was a beach and I would either sit in the sand and look on or swim in the water and pray. As I thought back on it and compared the times to when I used to cut myself, I wondered why I never thought to do such a thing there. What was it about that place? At that thought, someone (whom I later learned was an angel) yelled at me  "don't taint this place! " immediately I dismissed such a thought.

Bringing me back to Tony toying in his questioning. I continued to get irritated then understood the angel's emotions (for lack of a better word  )

GOD, who's so majestic and loving and kind and... amazing (which in any meaning of any  language on earth  doesn't even do Him justice ) but He's my heart. And there's this person who's semi sincere yet being facetious about Someone who's literally my entire world... I got angry.

Also, reminded to when I learned God doesn't need me to defend Him.

So, In that anger I kept my mouth shut.
For his benefit and mines, I let Violet answer Tony's questions.

Later, In trying to explain my silence ,Tony apologized.

Nonetheless, thanks to different characters in Christ, like Violet...I pray Tony walked away with an even more heightened interest in Christ.

Maybe it's something I should work on, yet I hear I have a similar character to prophets. Which if true,  makes me happy.  It'll mean I'm not off as a person and that at some point I'm going to be even closer to God.

Still,
Proverbs 11:30
The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he that win souls are wise.

*names have been changed