Marissa's Choice

Note: this journal entry is about 2 months old. Still, it's a long lines of moments in celibacy others don't talk about. If it helps you, cool. If not, I hope it was a great read for you.

My friend and I seem to go through the same things in a week span apart. She'd over come the temptation of lust last night, yet just last week I had to Txt her concerning how bad I wanted to sleep with this one guy? That following week, sex with him was the only thing I could think about. I forced myself to be busy with clients, my blogs and shopping so I could think of other things. Anything other the craving I had of him . Later, as usual a split road is presented before me and I'd hear Christ saying "just choose Me" it is more than enough to overcome any battle. It's basically Jesus saying "you can't win this on your own Tag Me in." Isaiah 41:13 (Hopefully you guys are aware of tag team wrestling. Btw, The Rock or Undertaker anyday ) Anywho, just choosing Christ alone is more than enough. Plus, I really didn't want to go through the same process of conviction (which is my favorite feeling, but that's a different topic ) feeling guilty (aka Satan's audacity to rub it in), having to repent for something I knew I shouldn't have done, having God forgive me (for the same thing for the 300th time ) and taking myself double the time to forgive myself. I consistently tell God how much I love Him. Then I think of how love is a verb-an ACTION word . I want to say it, SHOW it and mean it. John 14:15 "If you love me, keep my commands." NIV What also helped was reading more, being transparent and honest to God about what I'm feeling and fasting. Because fasting disciplines your flesh! Whether for an hour, 3 hours or a day. Isaiah 58-6 “ Is this not the fast that I have chosen: To loose the bonds of wickedness, To undo the heavy burdens, To let the oppressed go free, And that you break every yoke? "

Firstly, I'm getting really annoyed with people asking my relationship status with a tone of rushing me.

Like, CAN I LIVE? Happily single whilst getting my character and life together, instead of just being with someone just because. .. or no? *crickets*

Real reason?

You ever been afraid to be with someone out of how you are with God?
For instance, I don't this I can treat some one else how they deserve to be treated if I don't even treat God, how He deserves.

Like, I'm bad with communication (funny thing is I've ended most of my relationships over the same thing- poor communication )
Anywho, I don't always consistently talk with those I important to me. Same goes with my relationship with God. I don't always talk to Him as often as I should and because I know better and it's difficult for me to do so....if I can't communicate properly to the One person I should get it right with, how then will I with another?

Maybe it's a first naturally then spiritually thing. Or did I just twist that for my own sanity?

I just want my heart and character to be right. I want to properly be the crown of my husband. Especially, when I don't believe in divorce. So it can't just be anyone. Let's prevent  both of miserable and anxious for death to do us part.

PT 1
The statement in the picture is in its realist form, because man 😥. However, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right? Like putting off sex and dismissing lust. Everyday. Every moment.  Every sec...if you know me. (Not from high school crap, but really come to know me in the past 5 years you'd know the level of  difficulty of the above statement is- was to me. Eh, "is" is correct lol. I say that because it's not the temptation that's diminished but the God given strength to dismiss it. It's dying to my flesh EVERYDAY saying, wanting better.

It's not abstaining. A lesson I've learned hard and took me about 3 months to forgive myself because I'm the hardest on myself  (another topic for another post).

Anywho, abstaining is saying I can do it with my own strength. Which btw, I have failed many times. The worst, was this time a man named Aiden* literal poison to my soul  whenever either one of us was free from our busy jobs. That one txt or phone call regardless of time of night.

So one night home late from work, he txt me and the Holy Spirit did unction me not to respond. Unfortunately,  I responded thinking I could just say no this time around. Aiden responded something about us always being too busy so I gave in. Now Aiden had just moved, so he went from 10mins away from me to an hour. An hour. I had an hour to change my answer. To say " nevermind,  I have a headache " or something. As I was getting ready, washing and changing there was a battle within myself to just change my mind. To say nevermind.  I kept justifying and my urge to see him got stronger the more I argued and turned up music to drown out the voice I NEEDED to stop me. I get a txt that he's 10-15 mins away.  I can't say "no" now. He just drove an hour! The second I put my shoes on I knew what I just did...I just chose sex over Christ.
 Later on at our favorite hotel, (our room had 2 beds because I hate being touched right after sleeping with someone. Yes, I know I need to work on that. However, I'm pretty sure it's because I associate it to signing off on comfort in sin )anyway,  I tried to allow him to cuddle me and the Holy Spirit within me felt sick. Which in turn made my spirit  feel sick. God told me to get up in move to the other bed.
 A feeling not foreign to me. I think it's a matter that my spirit deeply loves the Lord, but my flesh due to a long battle with lust in my life was at the time stronger. Plus, my commitment to Christ,  my prayer and fasting life was weak.

Anywho,  It wasn't  because it was Aiden, it was being addicted to the act and what sex meant to me (something to elaborate in another post) and the choice of Aiden was because I found comfort in a familiar body.

Point. It wasn't until I made THE COMMITMENT to Christ. That it went from abstaining with my "strength" to celibacy with Christ who strengthens me.
A season of being veiled and prepared for a marriage to God.
A commitment I remember daily,  a dying to myself daily and consistency of seeking the Lord and asking Him to mold me into better, into what's pleasing to Him. Into the very person He had in mind when He first thought to create me.
Asking for forgiveness, pure love (not as this world gives)
Asking to strengthening our relationship.

For patience to be in no rush for another.

Honestly,  I'm just happy I'm not who I was and not where I could've ended up.