Marissa's Choice

Note to self: Write to heal..

Today I had to apologize to someone. Though it was nothing major I still apologized because I felt it was something they wanted or needed to here. However, after saying it and hearing their contentment with my words I immediately felt hurt. All that ran through my mind is ''why do I always end up being the one apologizing? Especially when I'm always the one getting wronged or hurt worse- I'm always apologizing. There's not a memory that crosses my mind where someone said "Marissa, I'm sorry." 

Before this incident I didn't apologize unless God told me to do so. Trust me I hated it. I can neither acquiesce or dispute whether its because it meant I had to admit I was actually wrong. For whatever reason I did it because my Father told me to. Then after a while before I opened my mouth, to apologize, I saught to see why I was apologizing. What did I say or do that could have hurt them? Even it may have seemed like nothing to me it could something great to them.  He, in a way, allowed me to feel their pain.

Even so, whenever I opened my mouth I always felt pained to say words I wish people in my life, who've deeply wronged me to say. Id get hurt then angry like " why are You always making me apologize? Can't You alow them to feel my pain as well? Or is it not that great?"

Having them never been said I wonder if hearing an apology ever really help. Does it take the pain away or just help you deal? Or do you just take comfort in knowing that the person that has faulted you KNOW they've hurt you. As long as they know....see, I can't imagine that being enough. It makes one question who is the apology really for?  Who does it actually help?

That why I'm reading and practicing upon forgiveness. You ever notice how God forgives people? Just like that! BEFORE we even open our mouths to repent. Now that DOESN'T mean: "well, if He's gonna forgive me anyway..."
He just does it so effortlessly . Hmmm maybe His love for us really that great. I remember reading that He purposely blots out our sins (if someone knows where please do tell)

Well, I feel healed after typing this. Hmmm maybe I don't need the amends after all. I'll just start blotting them out.

Welp, Goodnight thoughts -Xo MC

Welp, this is me. Being the dork I am. Someone told me to take a picture of myself laughing/smiling because they think that's when I look most beautiful. however, I looked at the photo and said "ew, my cheeks are so chunky!" Lol
Then, I was asked how does someone like myself, who wants to model, have so many insecurities. All I could think was "even barbie has her flaws". After a while, I really thought about it. When I was younger I was always called ugly and back then, I pointed out to myself everything I thought was beautiful about me. However, now that I've grown into my features and continuously receive compliments, I point out things I  don't find so attractive. Weird right? Maybe its my way of keeping myself humble . I don't think I'm ugly. I actually happen to think I'm beautiful, but NO more or less than other women. I just dont want to allow what others' opinion of my apperance effect what I think of myself.
  That's something I see everyday. The media telling women what they "should" look like and if they dont fit that cookie cutter apperance than they're unattractive. Which is why you have women getting plastic surgery, bleaching their skin, and starving themselves . Whatever you are NATURALLY, whether its skinny, on the plus side, dark or light, really short or really tall be that. Its BEAUTIFUL.
I once heard someone say "God is too creative for everyone to be the same."  Why are you breaking your neck to look like someone else who isn't any more (or less) beautiful than you are!

* I am in no way dismissing makeup. Wear it. I do! I love the different colors. However, there's a difference when changing your apperance because someone think something about you is a flaw. *