Because although God's love is so strong that nothing can tear us away from Him and it's so strong that it has the tightest most beautiful grip on us, ours isnt.

 The moment we step outside of our Father, we're nothing without Him. We become entrapped by sin, fooled into thinking "well, this time it's officially it. It's not even Satan's fault it's mine. I made the choice. Didn't mean to. Didn't want to at first, but I did. I'm stuck, I can't get out. It's too embarrassing to go to God now. I no longer want this, but how do I face Christ now and ask Him to help me? ." 

The old vision I had the morning after that night with M, of my crown being taken away and crushed in the mouth of a lion came to mind again whenever I was with A. The frightening thing, was knowing that the lion was Christ warning me of what I could lose. 

My crown, my Relationship, my lifeline , my reason for living (after countless God-prevented self harm & suicide attempts from thinking I didn't have one.) 

Christ is literally EVERYTHING to me and I was giving that up for a moment of lust? Of nothing comparable to the worth of my crown .

 That love from the One person that's THE most important to me, Christ. 

Attempting to wrap my mind around the thought of Him taking away what signifies that I belonged to Him to broke my heart.

 Even now, but then? Crushed.